How to write a CRACKING cover letter

Dear Sir/madam 

I don’t think I’d be very good at the job you are advertising and here are just some reasons why: 

•  I spend far too much time on the computer. The world of work does not require anyone who knows how to write a decent summary and don’t even get me started on databases. I mean when did you ever actually have to use excel after school? I don’t think knowing how to freeze panes on a spreadsheet has ever been useful to me during my working career so thanks for that ECDL.

•  I’m too friendly for my own good. If you need someone in customer services to be rude and ignorant then I definitely am not who are looking for. Please and thank you? Who needs them, this is a dog eat dog world so there is no need for niceties.

• If you would like to hire someone who sits around and dosses all day I’m afraid that am totally unsuitable for this role as I actually tend to ‘get the job done’ as they say.

• I will sort through and fix things as I am very methodological but who needs things to organised in this day of age. The very idea seems ludicrous.

• If you want someone who always misses deadlines and is absolutely pants at time management then sorry I’m not that girl. If I can get things done a few weeks in advance I will do so.

•  I know that lying and cheating is the name of the game but I am honest and truthful down to a tee.

• Another great reason why I am totally unsuitable for this job is that I am too enthusiastic. So if it is dull people who make watching paint dry seem more interesting who you require I’ll just jog along shall I?

Thank you for not considering me for this position even though it took me absolutely hours to fill out my application form and I will not even hear back from you in the slightest. 

Well wasn’t that fun? So much fun in fact that we shall just have to go and repeat the process about 56 hundred, million, trillion times. YAY!!!

*NB* please note the sarcasm do not actually write your cover letter like this 

The right job will come along eventually you just have to keep applying.

People keep telling me that this is the case but what if it doesn’t? What if all the jobs I am applying for (mostly library/museums) are just not right for me and people take one look at my application form (because most people don’t even accept CVs) and think what was she even thinking? She is totally unsuitable for the job. What if the career path that I am wanting to pursue is totally wrong for me?

I am constantly being told to look into book keeping and that I would be really good at it and we all know that you should play to your strengths but are we not also told that we should go for the kind of jobs that we enjoy doing so that we look forward to going to work in the morning? 

As I keep on trying to get through my quarter life crisis (or maybe it’s just a normal nervous breakdown) I am reminded that I’m not alone in this as everybody is insecure and scared even if they are better at hiding it than others. Life is scary as hell, I mean one minute you think you know what you want and the next minute you are graduating and are standing on the precipice of life with no harness or safety rope to help you and the guides that you were trying to follow have long since disappeared. 

It is now quite a long time since I graduated and I still haven’t got very far off that cliff as I am literally and metaphorically speaking scared of heights and just as Augustus Waters said in The Fault In Our Stars “I fear oblivion….I fear it like the proverbial blind man who’s afraid of the dark.” But oblivion is inevitable just as is failure and it’s the mark of a brave person who can pick themselves back up after the have failed. The question is are you brave enough to try in the first place? 

So I’ll carry on applying for jobs even if it comes to nought because all you can really do is try even if you have no idea what you are doing.